Notable Quotable:

Notable Quotable:

Remember, folks: whenever a woman says "die for me because you are a man," just look her in the eye and say "my body, my choice."
TCM

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Men Are Intimidated...

Recently a friend brought up the very common sentiment, "Men are intimidated by a woman who can support herself."  I was too distracted by everything to think about it, and I didn't want to dismiss it with a blanketing, "You're WRONG!" For one thing, technically, she's not entirely wrong; a small percentage of men are intimidated by self-sufficient women.  But for most men, "intimidated" is the wrong word.

I think most men are conflicted by self-supporting women, and the inner conflict can put them on the defensive.  It makes them leery of getting involved, and it can exacerbate future relationship stresses.  In our female-dominated society, men are probably just annoyed by the attitude of most self-supporting women.  For men, supporting oneself is hardly heroic, it's very nearly the minimum standard.  For feminists though, it's the be-all end-all of human existence; they treat it like it's a big deal, and perhaps to them it is.  But to men it's about as exciting as breathing.  They just do it.

What women don't know about female financial independence, is that men aren't attracted to it.  It's convenient, and these days it's foolish to marry a woman who can't support herself, but it's not a turn-on.  It must be quite lowering for an accomplished woman to encounter an overwhelming masculine "Meh, that's cool I guess," in the face of what she sees as her greatest achievements.  

Open a magazine.  Read a newspaper.  Turn on the TV.  Try to leave your home without encountering the message that Empowered Women Are Awesome!  Yaaay!  How can the average woman NOT expect her every accomplishment to be celebrated?  Yet most men's instinctive response is: "So what?  I can do that.  My friends can do that too, and guess what - I don't want to have sex with them."  ("Now, if she looks good naked, THAT I can get excited about!")  This is in direct contradiction to men's conscious understanding that self-suffiency is indeed a useful trait in a woman - and it beats the hell out of perpetual dependence.  But it's not Feminine, and men are attracted to femininity.  No, seriously.  Men really are.

In our species, the role of men is to protect the tribe and to hunt the woolly mammoth; the role of women is to turn that sucker into meals, clothing and tools, and to gather and store supplemental food, while raising children.  We are biologically programmed to be attracted to mates who display these abilities, and the majority of us following this path has led us out of caves and into skyscrapers.  I'd say it's a pretty solid formula.

Men can respect female independence, but it doesn't inspire awe or lust.  I suspect most men feel vaguely bewildered by grown women who are essentially asking to be awarded emotional gold medals, just for "participating."  Those men who explore the source of their bewilderment, probably find "You Go Grrrl" crowing to be tiresome.  Then the majority of men, being well-trained White Knights, become ashamed of their insensitivity.  They feel guilty for their instincts.  "What kind of Neanderthal must I be, to desire femininity in a woman?  I should desire her ability to do what men are designed to do!"

I think the ongoing subtle shame and internal conflict in men, is what women tend to dismiss as "intimidated." And nobody contradicts them because it's Just Wrong to suggest that women weren't really meant to be men with tits.  Sorry grrlz, gender is real, not a social construct to be manipulated for the hell of it.

14 comments:

  1. Actually I don't think men are intimidated by successful women. I think we are scared to death to be around them. One wrong comment like, 'you look nice today' can cause them so much grief for harassment. We are afraid and confused. You treat them nice and you are sexually harassing them; you treat with as you would a man and you are the one intimidating and persecuting them. The women want it both ways and the men don't know which way that is.

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    1. "The women want it both ways and the men don't know which way that is."

      AMEN!

      It's a minefield.

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  2. "What women don't know about female financial independence, is that men aren't attracted to it. It's convenient, and these days it's foolish to marry a woman who can't support herself, but it's not a turn-on."

    You got it. Nail on the head.

    I think self-identified 'independent' women (many of whom are funded by the state, IRONY LOL) need to trot out the 'intimidated' line in order to rationalize why men don't find them attractive (which is actually due to crummy attitude/narcissism/unhealthy weight etc.)

    It's really the self-identification that's key. I know women who would fit the 'independent' tag and I find attractive. In those cases though, they don't boast about how 'independent' they are. They have other qualities that are attractive.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, Mojo. You said it better than I did. The issue is so important to women, it's the first thing they think of when something goes wrong. "It's important to me, so it must be important to him - my independence MUST be the problem!"

      It's a good excuse not to look any deeper into either person's character, and everybody always agrees: Men bad/Women good. What a waste.

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    2. Mojo, you got it dead on.

      I know many women, my mother chief amongst them, who are super independent and can do many things on their own out of necessity and ability. What they don't do is put that out out on the front page of their resume and make it a focal point. More like seeing them do something you didn't expect and they say 'yeah, well i had to learn cuz no one was gonna do it for me'.

      The ones that wear it like a medal and want recognition, adoring adulation and a relationship for it might be the equivalent of the 'niceguy' who wants recognition for all his chivalrous acts and be rewarded with sex for it?

      Great post btw Suz! You put into words what i've been trying to say about the majority of profiles i come across in the online dating 2.0 world.

      Women blathering about their independence and ability to do anything on their own really makes me want to step up to the plate and 'wife'em'up'. And never does it cross my mind that she's a flight risk who enjoys her independence TOO much...

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  3. Yup, it's the conspicuous irony of the last 30 or 40 years; women have tried to turn themselves into the men they want to marry.

    The trouble is, 99% of men don't want to marry other men...

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  4. Bravo Suz. BRAVO. yer a good egg Dear.

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  5. Sometimes I suspect the issue of "intimidation" when it does actually happen and isn't just a lame excuse to avoid calling a woman ugly, is that she's sending a lot of signals that she highly values the status of her career or a wealthy lifestyle. It's one thing for a man to be insecure about his own career and income, it's another thing if that security is tested and challenged on a regular basis by the woman or her friends and family.

    It's one thing to accuse a man of being insecure when he hears her job title or income; it's another to accuse him of being insecure when you and everyone in her life really does look down on him for it.

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    1. That's a very good point; constantly being undermined, will affect anyone's confidence.

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  6. I think the big thing is that we're not intimidated by a woman who can be independent, its that we're intimidated by the lack of room in her life for us. Women are horrible at making room in their lives for men if they're already crowded and busy.

    I've tried to get with women like that multiple times, often women that could be very feminine, cook, dress up, etc. Some of them were dancers, some in non-profits, some other random jobs. But if they have a full life, they almost never make room for you in it. Now I just don't even try. If I go over your schedule with you two weeks out and you can't find time to meet for coffee or a drink, then I'm simply not interested in muscling my way in.

    The sad part is you could see that these women were filling their lives up because of a LACK of men, but then drove off potential suitors with the things they filled the holes with.

    I'll also quickly note that I'm very upfront about my demanding anyone I consider for a LTR has to be feminine, know how to cook, etc. A couple female friends I told straight up, "I want a 50's housewife if I ever marry." Their hamsters exploded. They both agreed that such a woman would be perfect for my personality and lifestyle, but immediately countered that I should never, EVER tell a woman that if I was interested in her. It was hilarious, especially as they're turning into those 50's housewives.

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    1. Well, they're women! They can hardly admit the truth now, can they? That would be a betrayal of the Sisterhood!

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    2. Hahaha, I know. I just was always afraid to admit it before. Now I look forward to the opportunity to do so to women I'm not interested in sexually, consider friends, and could see them being a good wingman or finding me a good match based on this knowledge.

      Plus, the ensuing reaction warms my soul with how hilarious it is. It still makes me smile when I think about any of the times I've done it.

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